Dealing with it

 I still feel guilty. I feel like I could have done more. I also torture myself thinking "what if he was still in there when I pulled the plug? What if he knew what was going on?" I answer myself with the facts, that even so, he had gone without oxygen for too long, he would not have a real life. And even before his cardiac arrest, he didn't really have a life. He went to dialysis and watched TV. That was it. He had no real life. I feel guilty for myself. Even though I did pretty much all I could, I will alway think I should have done more.

 The physical parts especially. I'm not really sad all that much anymore, but physically I'm a mess. I'm so tired. Even when I've slept good. And cold.... why am I so cold?? And everything hurts. I'm confused a lot. I lose my train of thought. I read that this can go on for years. YEARS. Ugh.  I took some Z-quil tonight for the first time in a while and I'm having a tiny glass of wine because that's all that was left. I feel like I could just pass out right now but I know if I go lay down, it'll be a while before I can sleep. And tomorrow it will have been 3 months. Thank god for the Calm app.

 I had a good cry tonight. It's been lurking there for a few days now

 These posts will be sporadic and stream-of-consciousness for a while. Just stuff as I think of it. The whole story will eventually come out, I promise.